Negotiating is the game of life. Whenever you attempt to reconcile differences, manage conflict, resolve disputes, establish or adjust relationships you are engaged in the process of negotiations. While people accept the importance of this learned skill in diplomacy and labor relations they often fail to see the opportunities that exist for them to gain a better mastery in their daily lives via negotiating know-how.
For virtually all of us life is a continuing challenge of attempting to influence others. We seem forever absorbed in trying to get them to agree with us. Whatever the case of cause, whether it’s the exercise of leadership or closing the big deal we engage in the game of negotiating. Invariably in these encounters attitude and actions have the potential to determine the distribution of available resources, the satisfaction and commitment of those involved and even the nature of the new relationship.
In this brief essay it is my intention to share with you three negotiating nuggets or pointers that can make you more effective and even enrich your life.
1. CARING BUT NOT T-H-A-T MUCH
Initially, it is important that you view negotiating as a game, because if you see it in that light you will perform much better. Since a game is where you care - - really care, but not t-h-a-t much.
Now why do I say that? Well, who is the worst person you negotiate for? Of course, I believe the answer is: yourself. That’s not only true in your case, I know that’s my own reality. Actually, to be completely candid with you, in the past three decades I have earned a lucrative living negotiating on behalf of others. Indeed I try to have as my clients very wealthy entrepreneurs and large corporations with money to spend, who employ me to operate on their behalf in deal making. The way I am compensated is that I get a meager or modest percentage of an enormous deal. Would you believe this formula works out well for my family and myself? So I must be pretty good at doing this.
Yet, when I negotiate on behalf of myself it’s not a game anymore, it’s my life, my legacy. So the result is often plainly pathetic. Now why is this the case? Do you believe it’s because I’m lacking in self-esteem? Let me assure you that this is not so. Really I like me one heck of a lot. In fact if I could be more effective for myself and less effective for you I would prefer it that way. But in truth I am better for you. Why? ‘Cause I don’t even know you.
Naturally I care about you, but not t-h-a-t much. It’s that attitude that gives me perspective when working on your behalf. Indeed you must already realize that the best way to make a good deal is to convey to the other side that you are capable of living without the deal - - that you have other options or alternatives.
Simply put, that means don’t fall in love with making a deal or acquiring something and that includes money. It’s okay to fall in like but not love. That overwhelming emotion should be reserved for human relationships.
Because a compelling need is not likely to produce a good deal you must train yourself to dampen your desires. The result will be a balanced attitude between “irrational exuberance” and “logical despair”.
So by now I trust you understand the value of perspective and detachment in the potential stormy sessions and emotional times that can occur in negotiations.
Having this gaming spirit and the outlook of an outsider will enable you to stay calm and cool and not overreact - - even when provoked. If nothing else it will reduce your anxiety and stress, while giving you a psychological shield between your self-esteem and the aggressiveness of others.
2. LIMITING YOUR AUTHORITY
The second reason that we do not achieve our potential as negotiators is that that we have too much authority. What I am saying is that the last person to negotiate for a country, corporation or business should be the chief executive officer. Take that one step further and realize that the worst person to negotiate for you is - - you. Clearly this presents a practical problem that can be solved by limiting your own authority. Always give yourself room to say, “That sounds good to me but I’ll have to check with my board”. If you don’t have a Board of Directors, then substitute the word banker, attorney, CPA, adviser, boss or even spouse.
Sometime ago I was involved in many bargaining sessions with a woman whose husband and business partner was always overseas. Every agreement we made, though, was tentative - - subject to his final approval. Years later I learned that she was never married nor did she have a business partner.
What I’m urging is that you not make precipitous decisions in the heat of activity under the pressure of time. Allow the opportunity for reflection by circumscribing your ability to say “yes”.
3. DUMB IS BETTER …
Finally the most effective negotiators seem to be those who have a congenial, humble and unaffected manner. They start all dealing in a cooperative fashion, using empathy, self-deprecating humor and a low-key pose of calculated incompetence.
Although these are bright people they understand that intellect is a great asset, but only if it can be discovered by the other side well into the process. Thus they do not spend any time in telling you who or what they know.
In fact, these successful negotiators understand that sometimes dumb is better than smart and inarticulate is preferable to articulate. Thus, following their example we should occasionally train ourselves to remark, ”Whaddaja say”, . . . “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand”, “I think you lost me” . . . “Where are we?” . . . “Help me”.
Think of your own experiences when dealing with stupid people. What happens to all your sophisticated arguments, logic and comprehensive data when you’re dealing with a moron who can’t even comprehend what you’re talking about? Obviously, your persuasive devices are worthless.
What I’m trying to get across is that the negotiating game is often the world of illusion which contains some razzle-dazzle and hocus pocus. So lighten-up and enjoy the journey. Since we can’t do much about birth and death, find some joy in the time between.
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